i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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