so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
