I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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