i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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