I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
