I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Randomize
