ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
