Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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