there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
