Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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