Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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