i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
