we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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