Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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