Your face is a jimmy john
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
