Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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