just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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