Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
