The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
