I can tuck mytits in my pants
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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