I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
