I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
