Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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