i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Randomize
