nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
