ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
