I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
