What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
