woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
