Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
