Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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