ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize
