Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just had sex on a roof
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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