i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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