oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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