I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
