so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
