My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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