I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
