I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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