Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
This baby is an asshole
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
