as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
