a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
