Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
