you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
