Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
