rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
