My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
40s are totally the cure
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
