forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
