Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
