I think I won the penis lottery.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
