JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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