Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
