Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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