it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
