New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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